Please criticize these poems. Did I spell "criticize" correctly?
Hey... I'm finally responding to one of Nora's poems. And this one rhymes, but there are tense and punctuation-issues I need to work out. By the way, anyone who is reading these poems--please offer criticisms, because I'm wanting to apply for a creative writing program and need to get my poems into shape for that. Any comments would be appreciated.
Here's the new poem:
Missing the Sea
Wispy children of the sea--
we begged to bring its company.
Along the line we flung our fears,
trickling out from water-soaked ears.
Mother rocks a wicker chair,
tosses clovers in the air,
flinches from luck. A pinch of gravel
catches the wind, now we must travel.
A box of books and government files
we pull the case, tear into piles,
stuff inside a waste-paper basket,
then push the sea inside its casket.
And since we’ve seen our old world die,
fantasy flee and Father cry,
we stare outside, we slurp our tea
and long for the resurrection of the sea.
Here's the new poem:
Missing the Sea
Wispy children of the sea--
we begged to bring its company.
Along the line we flung our fears,
trickling out from water-soaked ears.
Mother rocks a wicker chair,
tosses clovers in the air,
flinches from luck. A pinch of gravel
catches the wind, now we must travel.
A box of books and government files
we pull the case, tear into piles,
stuff inside a waste-paper basket,
then push the sea inside its casket.
And since we’ve seen our old world die,
fantasy flee and Father cry,
we stare outside, we slurp our tea
and long for the resurrection of the sea.
posted by B-Go at
5:22 PM
5 Comments:
Missing the Sea
As Wispy children of the sea --
we begged to bring its company.
Along the line we flung our fears,
To trickle out our wetter ears.
Mother rocking wicker chair,
Tossed clovers high into the air.
And flinch'd from luck. A pinch of gravel
Caught the wind thus we must travel.
A box of books and official files
We pull'd at the case, and ripp'd into piles,
Stuff'd inside an old waste-paper basket,
Had we push'd the sea inside its casket?
And since we've seen our old world die,
fantasy fled and Father cry,
We'll stare outside, and take our tea,
To long for the resurrection of the sea.
By
Anonymous, At
8:59 PM
To trickle out our wettest ears.
Caught the wind so we must travel.
By
Anonymous, At
9:04 PM
I understand the poem to be about children who live near the sea shore, who are leaving the area, moving away. They packed, and it felt like they were packing away the sea forever -- into a casket. At their new location, they have seen their dreams and fantasies leave, their father cry, their old lives finished... but not forgotten; the poem ends on the optimism of a resurrection, of being with the sea again.
It also seems to be the mother who decides to leave the seaside, This is interesting: ostensibly the mother seems to have made the decision to leave in a sudden, whimsical, random way... but then the words, 'rocking', 'tossed', and 'flinch'd' suggest she had bad luck and was being mistreated... finally, with the 'pinch of gravel cauight the wind' we realise that the leaving is because of a death (they throw a pinch of gravel on a grave). A twist of fate, a death -- and they have to leave.
The box of books stanza is about the ferocity of packing with resentment and bitterness, but there are other clues -- government files/ official files... was the death the father? was he a soldier at war? Perhaps a sailor? Children of the sea (at the start) and at the end - resurrection of the sea... is the sea also the parent... the father... or, wait a minute: THE MOTHER!
Yes, the mother, rocking in her chair, flinched -- from pain, she then died, and so Father cry. The sea and the mother are one. The sea is often feminine in allegory.
However, if the death is the mother, then what of the government files? Perhaps books on whatever she died of along with government files on same?
Nice poem!
Simple structure, fondness for alliteration, but the simplicity is appropriate because it is childlike and about children. Pacing needs work -- it scanned badly (but the comments version is better for that).
Each word is incredibly important. I would have struggled with 'wind' over 'breeze' or 'current' etc.
Good effort, nice and rewarding!
By
Anonymous, At
9:25 PM
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By
B-Go, At
10:13 PM
Thank you to the person that commented! The suggestions, etc. are very helpful!
By
B-Go, At
12:01 AM
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