forlorn and washed out
Supposedly, I look "a little forlorn." At least, I appeared that way when a friend of mine caught sight of me the other day. I think I must also look a little washed out--the pale clothes I've been wearing almost match my pigment. And yesterday, after the food-begging drunk said, "Your skin is fine... Mmm, if I could just have some of that..." about my friend's Indian beauty, he looked at me, shook his head and said, "And, I just don't know about your skin. Yours is just... I just... I don't know." He didn't want to be rude.
But, really, that's not what I started out to say. I started to say that I think I was lost for a little while--my writing self. I hadn't been writing in my real journal--or, as I called it yesterday, my true journal; which is to say, I hadn't been writing to communicate with the one who really cares about all of the jittery thoughts and mistakes that I write down when I try to sort through things. I may have been writing to please, to try to melt my style into words that my peers and my teacher would "get"... into something that made sense. There's an expectation to make sense in writing, and sometimes... I fear it... because I don't expect that I'll ever really attain it. And that, I suppose, is another place where I need to rely on God. Faith, baby.
"You met me at a very strange time in my life."
-Tyler Durden says this to Marla Singer in "Fight Club" at one point (the end, the end). I put the whole movie on play this afternoon in order to remember WORD-FOR-WORD what this line said... I knew I could have skipped to the end, but I put it on and carried out my activities in the foreground. The reason? Well, when my friend told me that I had seemed "forlorn," I wanted to write him back to say that he had met me at a very strange time in my life. This wouldn't have been true. Probably because I wouldn't consider now to be a particularly strange time, and also because I met this person much longer ago than now. Tense might be the problem here. Instead, I told him--in these vague terms--that there could have been a number of reasons, depending on which day he saw me... and that I've been frustrated with myself much this semester.
Such was the truth, and maybe I really had lost myself (reminds me of another "Fight Club" line... remember when Lou is pounding Tyler's face in the basement of his bar???--"Okay, okay, I got it. ...****! I lost it!"). Maybe I had forgotten that Jesus is all I really need--the only one whose opinion really matters. I think I had forgotten this; I think I am remembering this.
Aside from that, someone I know doesn't believe in editing. This kind of idea freaks me out.
But, really, that's not what I started out to say. I started to say that I think I was lost for a little while--my writing self. I hadn't been writing in my real journal--or, as I called it yesterday, my true journal; which is to say, I hadn't been writing to communicate with the one who really cares about all of the jittery thoughts and mistakes that I write down when I try to sort through things. I may have been writing to please, to try to melt my style into words that my peers and my teacher would "get"... into something that made sense. There's an expectation to make sense in writing, and sometimes... I fear it... because I don't expect that I'll ever really attain it. And that, I suppose, is another place where I need to rely on God. Faith, baby.
"You met me at a very strange time in my life."
-Tyler Durden says this to Marla Singer in "Fight Club" at one point (the end, the end). I put the whole movie on play this afternoon in order to remember WORD-FOR-WORD what this line said... I knew I could have skipped to the end, but I put it on and carried out my activities in the foreground. The reason? Well, when my friend told me that I had seemed "forlorn," I wanted to write him back to say that he had met me at a very strange time in my life. This wouldn't have been true. Probably because I wouldn't consider now to be a particularly strange time, and also because I met this person much longer ago than now. Tense might be the problem here. Instead, I told him--in these vague terms--that there could have been a number of reasons, depending on which day he saw me... and that I've been frustrated with myself much this semester.
Such was the truth, and maybe I really had lost myself (reminds me of another "Fight Club" line... remember when Lou is pounding Tyler's face in the basement of his bar???--"Okay, okay, I got it. ...****! I lost it!"). Maybe I had forgotten that Jesus is all I really need--the only one whose opinion really matters. I think I had forgotten this; I think I am remembering this.
Aside from that, someone I know doesn't believe in editing. This kind of idea freaks me out.
posted by B-Go at
5:50 PM
1 Comments:
i have a lot to say in response to this. first, who doesn't believe in editing? that scares me too. scares me not for them, but to imagine applying that to what i write! i'd be super curious to read what they write though if it wasn't edited.
which makes me think about our verbal words. we (i should say i) don't edit my words very much or well. so don't the same rules apply? .... hmmm.
also, in response to that guy. i love how you responded by watching the fight club to find out that line. but anyway.
you don't look forlorn or washed out. it kind of sucks when someone says something like that because then our minds start to contrive all sorts of things. but mabye it's good because maybe there is something that needs attention, and that forces you to stop and look for what is off? like journal writing? which i should go do. love you! praying for you.............s.
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strunny, At
5:27 AM
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