Merry Christmas, all!

I don't know how the day was for you, but for me this was a strange Christmas--a strange mix of traditions, I guess.

My little sister is on her honeymoon and first Christmas away from family, which must be a strange sensation for her. Neither she nor her husband answered their phones when my mom called to wish them a merry day and time together, away from what's familiar. My brother and his wife spent their first Christmas with a baby girl in their Roanoke, Virginia home; and I spent my first Christmas with my other sister's husband's family, which makes them my own in-laws in a round-about way. My parents and sister's whole immediate family were here, too.

I'm pretty sure we didn't mention the story of Jesus today, which is sad to me. Maybe someone did; but it wasn't me. Present-opening somehow overwhelmed the morning, and I guess this isn't unusual for what television and commercials tell us is the stereotypical American family with children who still get toys for Christmas. Many adults still get toys for Christmas.

I don't know what to say here except that I'm sorry and a little bit sad about it. It's hard to stop and be grateful for longer than a moment when there's so much going on. When we're at the Chinese restaurant and there's a starter, a main, and an after. Things coming one after the next without our blinking in between.

But tomorrow's another day. This minute's another minute.

And it really is good to be with family.

I hope everyone's had a wonderful day! Our God is good and has come to be near us and with us whether or not we respond by acknowledging that.

Much love, all--

Wow. Was someone praying for me?

I actually submitted two applications online tonight. That's four done (or done on my part), total.

Four, five to go.

Will this get me anywhere?

I guess God knows and that's enough.

oh, boy

I'll be leaving C Building in about 12 hours, and there's still so much I haven't finished--for grad. school applications. It feels impossible, except that I know "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And if it's really up to Him, how much does it matter if I don't spend 6+ drafts on every personal statement for every school? I nearly always wait until things seem impossible before I get something finished...

I've wondered whether I somehow need to be at that point when it seems only God can help, or whether it's just my ruddy nature to push things aside until that moment when I have no choice but to follow through. Or is it both?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

7 mixed albums later...

Oh, boy.

And I'm still not done.

But I'll be there soon...

the countdown resumes

Bought a dress for the wedding just yesterday (a bit late, I know).
Pulled my suitcase off my cabinet to start filling with gifts, books and things.

Hope I can fit it all in for the holidays.


Now... down count...

Finishing teaching statement today (Sunday).
Proctoring exams all day tomorrow (Monday).
Proctoring once on Tuesday.
Pick up exams and finish packing for the holidays on Wednesday.
Leave Bangkok on Thursday.
Get to Detroit on Friday.
Wedding Saturday.

I'm working on a teaching statement and, oh boy, am I ever an idealist.

it's sunday here

11 days till i'm gone from here.
12 days till michigan.
13 days till kristen's wedding.
14 days till christmas adam.
15 days till christmas eve.
16 days till christmas in michigan.

P.S. first

The December countdown has begun. We're at less than 18 days now, if you consider the hours, before I'm on a plane outta BKK.

responsibility

This is kind of bad time-management, but it's been hard for me not to post on here these past few weeks... also, I feel like all of my writing has been to a "personal statement" tilt lately. Even the letters I write people--or the pseudo letters that I start in my notebooks to trick myself into thinking I'm not working on my personal statement.

There are far too many things I could write about. And this post is going to be a bunch of disordered thoughts, I'm afraid.

With the last draft that I "finished" and sent to a couple readers, I mentioned nothing about Thailand.

Today we talked about struggles at church--problems, difficulties that believers face, or that God brings about in order that we would go to him.

"Struggles" has been a key word in some of my personal statements, although I don't know that I've really faced all that many struggles. Depends on how you look at things, I guess. Maybe moments where I've been uneasy, or where I couldn't easily get out of situations that weren't fun is a better way to refer to my "struggles."

Last semester, as you know, I often postponed certain responsibilities--like grading--because they weren't fun and I didn't want to do them. Perhaps I felt entitled enough not to need to do those things; I don't know. But if you were reading at that time, you'll know that I also felt rather unsettled about things.

In the book Contemplative Prayer, by Thomas Merton, that I've been reading, I've been learning--or relearning--that in times when we think we are doing something spiritual, but are really neglecting other things in our lives that God desires us to do (God's will for us, versus our own will for us--self-assessed as "God's will"), we will find our attempts at knowing God's peace ultimately frustrated. And so, last semester when I would ride the bus to Bang Na in the mornings and try to combat my mental anxiety about facing my classes when I hadn't graded their papers or really devoted my heart to the class-preparations, I would sing songs silently to God and try to "feel His peace."

Well, I think we all know I'd been disobedient. Didn't God give me these responsibilities as a teacher? Why, then, did I feel I was allowed to ever cast off my responsibilities until the tomorrow that never became today?

I guess this stuff is coming up because, when I think about some of the things I wrote during those months of unrest, many of them dissatisfy me--possibly because my heart was never in the right place while writing them. And are these the kinds of things I can condense into one or two sentence for a personal statement? Is this something that should even be mentioned? The fact that, though I face difficulties, my sense of unease rarely leaves and my writing often suffers when I use it to avoid my responsibilities. This follows with the line I seem so attached to this year--"Out of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Where is Grace in these times? I suppose that knowing God provides us with our tasks and then deliberately choosing to put those tasks on hold--when it's perfectly viable for us to accomplish them--is not considered repenting and therefore leaves no room for grace. There is grace when we, seeing our wrongs, become willing to turn around, to die to ourselves, and to follow Him and His plan for our lives, rather than our own plans.

Speaking of which, I'm feeling uneasy, and He's given me papers to grade with time still in the day (there's probably even enough to continue working on personal statements--in a state of peace).

I can use your prayers, if you think of me. :)